i have my fingers crossed

i’ve been so self-absorbed lately that i fail to see and appreciate many good things that are happening…that are worth celebrating.

last week pinoy gave me a ring and boy was i delighted! it’s always nice to talk to pinoy. it basically was about his old number being activated because like me, pinoy’s one person who perpetually loses his phones. anyway, i was super awed not because of the newly activated number but that he may have some of the poems he wrote (when we were still in college) published anytime soon.soon as in next month. when he was telling me this i couldn’t stop saying "oh my God"…it’s all i could say…albeit endlessly. i’m just really happy and yes i’m super crossing all fingers i have so that those beautiful poems get published. i’ve been reading pinoy’s poems in like forever and aside from jon, i always have faith in his writing. of course i’m saying this from a point of view of someone who gets affected by his writing.pinoy always tells me jon critiques his works and he realizes he’s got so much to learn. i always say he should cut himself some slack because he’s not training to be a writer but a physician.basically we’re talking about major talent.

you can’t imagine my excitement. i love book launches and if all goes well i’ll be attending one very,very soon. and by then i will have two author friends already. this may sound like a dilusion of grandeur but hey i don’t mind. i’m their number one fan.

i remember how chu and i tried to brave the crowd of writers in the Promenade in greenhills. it was jon’s book launch and in his behalf i and chu went. jon’s instruction was to have his complementary copies signed by the editor and the other writers. i thought it was fun pretending to be writer and knowledgeable of this beautiful art…some authors thought chu or i were jon hah! the few exchanges of words and shaking of hands with THESE extraordinary people was daunting but very empowering in the sense that i realized i’m not really " toopid" ( footnote jeni pie ).man i can cope.haha.

this is probably why i was spared the talent of writing. there’s much fun being friends with the real writers.

word vomit

recently i’ve noticed i talk so freely of things about me or things that concern me to a lot of my friends. i don’t want to think that it bothers me, rather it surprises me that i have become this open. i’m quite selective of things i share  and which friend i am sharing what. is this what cady heron says " word vomit" ? saying whatever uncontrollably. once i start i can’t stop.

also because i keep noticing this sudden change, this piece of info i read a hundred years ago keep bugging me. that info said smart women keep secrets. for some odd reason i am associating this to my "word vomit" syndrome. i feel that i am becoming moronic by the day for talking too freely about me.

should i or should i not bounce back to the old self?

or is status quo the better condition?

the thing is i’m not comfortable with this change…infact i am not comfortable with a lot of changes that have been drastically happening to me. they kind of freak me out big time.

or maybe joey’s right in saying i subject almost all things to rationalization. even things that aren’t supposed to be rationalized i subject to this crazy process i’ve been so comfortable doing.

times like this i miss jeni…she can so handle me.

a toothless day

this happened i think three days ago.

i’m really one person who notices the teeth first in any person, girl, boy, gay or whatever gender the person prefers or assumes. some find it queer. i think it’s perfectly normal.

three days ago might just be an unlucky if not an amusing day. i boarded a jeepney that had barely 5 passengers.neat! i was innocently looking at the series of buildings we pass by when this little girl started laughing uncontrollably. somehow she found her brother’s trying to wring her hands a serious delight. then i noticed most of her front teeth were black and uneven. must’ve been the chocolates and candies she ate and has been eating but mom kind of fallen short in reminding her to brush her teeth everytime. she’s just a little girl so i thought let her enjoy the pleasure of candies and the pains of toothache as i’m sure mom’s got a remedy for that.

the scenario gets worse. the jeepney halted for a few seconds to let a couple in. the guy was carrying with him large french fries and large "Big Chill" fruit shake i suppose. oooh i thought that’s a nice way of balancing grease in the fries…drink something healthy and fiber rich. anyway, he started eating and he looked like he had difficulty chewing the fries thanks to his very badly crafted dentures. i mean two teeth we’re broken that makes the entire thing uneven too and it looked like it’s gonna pop out of his mouth anytime as the whole thing was protruding he couldn’t press his lips properly. why, i thought this guy just doesn’t think teeth is a priority. i think he could very well afford a good denture. i could tell by what he’s snacking on and the brand of his shirt and shoes. anyway my brain protested and cried " democracy …leave him be…it’s not a crime to have bad pustiso ok?"

so i was still seated trying not to enjoy thinking about tese people’s teeth when i realized that the guy seated to me was the toothless of them all. he’s probably in his 80’s or something. i can understand why he’s all gums and i mean this in the most literal sense.in fairness to lolo his gums were clean. i mean it’s flesh in color and it’s just that, gums.

i don’t know but it seems tooth problem is serious in this country. so serious infact that i think i’ve just become a little oc with brushing scared a tooth monster’s gonna make every single tooth black. i can’t afford that. heck,  i blend with the dark and my teeth are the only things one can see. i need to see the dentist…prophylaxis! the teeth cry.

hodgepodge

it’s a wonderful day. joey made nice breakfast ( thanks to rap for finally dropping by our place ). he makes the best flap jack in the world…beats the crap out of mcdonald or jbee fjs. i was thinking of making a second round of breaky when my fone beeped. it’s one of my good friends tet.she wanted to meet up and i couldn’t be happier to see her. we haven’t seen each other for God knows how long plus i couldn’t find it in my heart not to meet her because she flew in from cagayan de oro for a short visit. i’d have to be heartless and silly to say "next time na lang". so instead of a second serving of breakfast i got my lazy ass into the shower. stupid ruth taught it’d be wiser to wait for tet at the entrance of power plant mall. was standing there for over ten minutes when i realized that i should tell her where i am exactly lest she gets dizzy circling the place. we met at last.it was such a nice feeling seeing her again and hugging and giggling over the simplest things. i never thought i’ve missed her that much until i saw her. funny.

i was in a cab on the way back home when i remembered how awfully loaded my schedule id for the day. i had to finish an essay, a required reading and a 3-hour presentation. i don’t know how i’d finish all these but i gotta somehow.haha… good luck to my life. i can almost see a crystal ball with a prediction of me that says "YOU HAVE A BLEAK FUTURE". funny.

last week, just to get me more serious with studying, i went to buy some studying paraphernalia, i.e. highlighters in pink, green and orange, gel pens in skyblue, wine, pink and lime green and oh my God i saw the most amazing bookmarks. they’re like this huge paperclips with a rubber-like plastic head formed into neat, adoring creatures and things like dolphin, ladybug,cute cow, frog, cat, flowers, flip-flops etc. they’re super colorful i realized instead of inspiring me to study i end up just looking at them smiling. talk about a wrong strategy for studying. until now i just keep admiring them.funny.

i finally heard fergie’s "big girls don’t cry". i couldn’t help but laugh at the lyrics. shaldz is right.it’s a song made for me. thanks fergie, i’m honored.haha.i’m laughing.it’s a good sign.finally.

rain and coffee

something about gloomy weather is comforting. i woke up earlier than usual.must’ve been the right side of my back aching that shook me off that deep slumber.i was sitting in front of the door to my balcony waiting for the sun.apparently it decided not to shine today. Manong taho and Manong fruit vendor have been shouting to the top of their lungs, peddling their stuff.they’re technically my alarm clock.they signal 8 a.m. time to wake up. just some few minutes after it began to drizzle. i sighed. it made me sad ( why must the weather remind me of my tear-jerking state?) but at the same time i felt warm inside like it always does when it’s raining. pinoy and i have always talked about how rain, even thunder and lightning make us happy and how we love the smell of the grass just after the rain. i felt really nostalgic of the backfield.i thought a cup of coffee  could hold off the sad feeling and well mr. caffeine’s not failed me. i was already enjoying the drizzle and coffee that despite the nostalgia i was asking my lucky stars it would rain cats and dogs so i have the perfect excuse of not leaving home and continue my daydreaming. heaven doesn’t like lazy people. it didn’t rain hard. i had to go to school.

at the end of each day i think whether mr. sunshine comes out or not, life is beautiful and we have to live it productively no matter what.

fireball

amazing how a negative emotion can provide an impetus for a potentially exciting state.

i feel like a nuclear energy. suddenly my mind and my body ache for some action. they wanna be intensely used as if indicating my daily routine speaks of lethargy.believe me it’s not. lethargy and ruth don’t mix.my daily schedule is cramped. perhaps i’m just so bored even when i’m upto my neck in activities ( ehem…reading…trying to be bright…it’s so darn hard though ). Seriously i can’t seem to stand the monotony any longer. so i’m thinking :

1. i’d buy a new guitar. i’ve not played in ages and i sort of miss it. who knows i make it to big time ala barbie almalbis

2. i’d learn a new sport. rowing is attractive. i wonder if joey my shrink minds if i hitch at his rowing practice.

3. i’d learn creative writing to spare my friends who read my blog from utter lack of creativity in here ( but then i might lose the spontaneity characteristic of me and this blog ). what a trade-off.

4. i’d buy a new cam and pursue photography like i’ve always wanted. all for the hobby. i take pretty decent shots some people think is on the way to being a pro ( yes chu i got those comments in my photoblog ).

5. i’d resume my solo-once-a-month-out-of-town-escapade. there’s this sense of tranquility taking trips alone. it frees the mind. i miss this.i’ve not done this in almost 4 months.

6. i’d start painting. i read that, to be truly a lady, one must know how to paint haha. i can’t believe i believe this crap. i bought paraphernalia ages ago but i never really got me started.

7. i’d write a manuscript for a textbook ( ambitious!!!at least it needs no creativity.just plain, straightforward substance). i mean there are so many textbooks that are super badly written. seriously i don’t understand why they get published. i’ll write about the books i just bought next time.

and so much more. and then i realized, i only have 24 hours a day. how and where to insert these i don’t know but i’m sure to do some of these if only to maintain my sanity.

i’m okay haha!!!

friends, my apology for the typos in the last entry ( my beautiful disaster ). i’ve corrected them.

i’m okay now…or so i think. thanks to the people who cheered me up. ador you’re the best.your kind words are priceless.you don’t know how much it helped me and you’re the only teddy bear that hugs!!!

my other friends, you know who you are. thank you for giving me a song when my little brain couldn’t figure one that fits me well. that part of the message that said " life is a process and boys and pain are part of the process.life is not a fairytale but when it turns sour big girls don’t cry" is the spunkiest string of words ever!!!thanks to the other comforting words from all of you ( actually there’s just the three of you lest people think i’m talking about all the people in my friendster list ). i’m okay now and will be much better tomorrow. haha. since when did getting over been this fast???

but here’s a catch…might’ve forgotten about the feeling but i think that person’s just too nice to not be friends with. i’ll think about maintaining friendship.

damn i love friendster…it always gives me an avenue for catharsis.

my beautiful disaster

for the last four days i’ve been thanking the Lord for the fruit of my support groups’ labor. no one can imagine what string of networks my friends, not so friends and sister tapped to help me with my utter desperation …it was my bestfriend who gave me the classified tip i’ve been dying to have for the past month. i’m in cloud 9 the last 4 days.i’ve just written a haiku and a diamond poem a few hours ago. i must’ve written the haiku in five minutes, the diamond poem in less than 10. i was extremely happy…but not anymore.

i might have been encouraged too much to follow my heart. i’ve decided to do something about what i feel, about the guy i like. big deal eh? it is a BIG, HUGE, ENORMOUS,GIGANTIC (among other synonyms thesaurus can offer) deal. this is the first time i tried and it hurt me like i fell with my face flat on the ground, couldn’t get up, couldn’t breathe….

it’s not me to pay attention to what i feel. i’ve liked guys but i’ve never really done anything even when in some occassions they have so presented themselves. one even said ‘ you’re one tough nut to crack’ and then he disappeared. i am very good at suppressing my feelings, so good that the skill is equivalent to an MA and a PhD. i wanna be pursued like hell…you can say like how they say men during the olden days court women…yes all the stuff our books say about the filipino courtship. then, i met this guy and i decided to heed to them all…stop being a maria clara. i can’t have the guy just wishing and hoping and praying like the opening song says in my bestfriend’s wedding. i gotta be PROACTIVE. i took a crash course on flirting 101 from my friends and they worked in all fairness.the guy and i are talking.

he’s a wonderful person. smart, funny, nice…too nice in fact. the very reason i fell…really hard.

no matter how strongly i feel about him i have to abort this whole thing.move on. go right back on track because i side stepped when i met him. it’s the only right thing to do. it will be good for me and will be better for him. i have no right whatsoever to encrouch upon his seemingly perfect life.

it’s been a beautiful 4 days despite the crazy distraction. i couldn’t think straight, no essays finished, no books read. truly a disaster.

i will still be thanking the Lord for the experience, the lesson learned, for knowing the other side of me i never knew exists until he came along, and for keeping my sanity intact despite a potentially blurring emotion that swept me.

as to whether or not i’ll continue to take a proactive stance as far as my feelings are concerned…my answer’s in the negative…at least for awhile. i wanna go back to my old self…insulated all the time from the pain caused by anything like this. i miss that protective bubble.i wanna be in it again.