my beautiful disaster

for the last four days i’ve been thanking the Lord for the fruit of my support groups’ labor. no one can imagine what string of networks my friends, not so friends and sister tapped to help me with my utter desperation …it was my bestfriend who gave me the classified tip i’ve been dying to have for the past month. i’m in cloud 9 the last 4 days.i’ve just written a haiku and a diamond poem a few hours ago. i must’ve written the haiku in five minutes, the diamond poem in less than 10. i was extremely happy…but not anymore.

i might have been encouraged too much to follow my heart. i’ve decided to do something about what i feel, about the guy i like. big deal eh? it is a BIG, HUGE, ENORMOUS,GIGANTIC (among other synonyms thesaurus can offer) deal. this is the first time i tried and it hurt me like i fell with my face flat on the ground, couldn’t get up, couldn’t breathe….

it’s not me to pay attention to what i feel. i’ve liked guys but i’ve never really done anything even when in some occassions they have so presented themselves. one even said ‘ you’re one tough nut to crack’ and then he disappeared. i am very good at suppressing my feelings, so good that the skill is equivalent to an MA and a PhD. i wanna be pursued like hell…you can say like how they say men during the olden days court women…yes all the stuff our books say about the filipino courtship. then, i met this guy and i decided to heed to them all…stop being a maria clara. i can’t have the guy just wishing and hoping and praying like the opening song says in my bestfriend’s wedding. i gotta be PROACTIVE. i took a crash course on flirting 101 from my friends and they worked in all fairness.the guy and i are talking.

he’s a wonderful person. smart, funny, nice…too nice in fact. the very reason i fell…really hard.

no matter how strongly i feel about him i have to abort this whole thing.move on. go right back on track because i side stepped when i met him. it’s the only right thing to do. it will be good for me and will be better for him. i have no right whatsoever to encrouch upon his seemingly perfect life.

it’s been a beautiful 4 days despite the crazy distraction. i couldn’t think straight, no essays finished, no books read. truly a disaster.

i will still be thanking the Lord for the experience, the lesson learned, for knowing the other side of me i never knew exists until he came along, and for keeping my sanity intact despite a potentially blurring emotion that swept me.

as to whether or not i’ll continue to take a proactive stance as far as my feelings are concerned…my answer’s in the negative…at least for awhile. i wanna go back to my old self…insulated all the time from the pain caused by anything like this. i miss that protective bubble.i wanna be in it again.

Uncategorized |